On bravery & brands…
…just over here being a human.
I watched Meghan Markle this week (like so many, I know) – she’s a big figure in our house (Kali still calls, and may forever call, her “princess Meghan”), and while I walked away with so many thoughts, the one that’s been ruminating in me all week is about the interplay of bravery and modern conception of “brands”. We speak about “courage to share our truth”, or being able to stand alone when something is hard – how much of that is the dance between what we know to be true and how we believe it will be received?
I remind my daughter all the time that being brave isn’t about not feeling fear and taking action, but instead about taking action in the face of fear. Action when you aren’t scared isn’t really bravery is it? It’s just action. (Thank you Glennon Doyle)
I’m not scared when I call my girlfriend who I haven’t spoken with in months – it’s just an action I want to take – it’s not brave to call her. But when I speak up to share my experience, when I get on a zoom with 50 people to present – then the fear shows up. Then, my action can be considered brave.
Whaat does it take to be able to step into brave more often, or faster? I’ve been thinking about this a lot this year. If 2020 was a year of clearing out, spending time alone, in silence, in stillness (and for me it really, really was!) then 2021 has been a year of holding things up to the light and saying “does this still fit? Is this right for me right now?” With that inquiry comes a constant questioning about how people do things and why, to see if it fits for me.
What I’ve realized in these few months is that one of the biggest things that will help support people in being brave more often is a safe place to jump from. I know there’s always conversation about “a soft place to land” – but I think the flipside of that is having a jumping off place that also feels safe. Sometimes that might look like someone giving us the nudge to leap, but other times I think it comes from knowing that we are loved as we are and this gives us courage from a deeper place.
I really noticed my longing for my early 20s this last year. I missed being so secure in myself and my friendships that it truly felt easier to stand for what I cared about, or even just sharing my internal monologue. I missed feeling like I didn’t need bravery and that I had all the answers.
I got really caught up in 2020 in what others were doing and what I was “supposed” to be doing. It’s really easy to do! In fact I would argue it’s hard not to do – people’s lives are on display at the click of a button, and if you’re seeing highlight after highlight it can be really hard to feel ok in the messy realness of your imperfect life.
But here’s what’s true. I can’t be commodified. I can post lovely pictures, I can even share my words and thoughts (mostly it feels like I write for myself, but still), I can even share my teachings and work online. But ultimately, I am not a brand. I am a flawed and beautiful human – even when I forget that second part.
I waste time, I leave piles of paperwork for “later”, I ignore emails, I scroll through memes when my daughter is talking to me, I snap at my husband if I feel like I’ve done more around the house than him, I forget to pay bills, I wear my old ratty sweatpants every day. There’s no room on a highlight reel for these parts of me that are neither shiny and inspiring or particularly dark and inspiring either. They are “nothing” but they fill huge chunks of my day and even bigger parts of my brain at night when I try and sleep. Will Kali have the same “I’ll just avoid it if I can” attitude about money that I do? Will Dan eventually give up on me because I am constantly so hard on him? Will I lose that friendship because I never reply to her emails (or voicemails)?
Can I be someone to lead or share with others if I constantly waste my time?
The truth is, this is just who I am. Can I unlearn some of my worst boring habits? Of course. (If I want to – honestly, some I do and others I just don’t care to.) But not every part of our lives are worth either the highlight or lowlight reel. Some parts are just average and boring, and letting that just be is maybe my first big radical idea of 2021.
It might not feel like “bravery” to share something like I wear ratty sweatpants every day, but in an age where things often feel so curated, where “you are your brand” – no one really wants their brand to have stains on the knee and pilling along the inside of the thighs. #mermaid
Not every part of us is going to be curated. We can’t be commodified into a brand and be our whole selves. And so today, brave for me feels like just show up as someone who avoids paperwork and forgets to pay bills.
