I DO LOVE TO COMMUNICATE (& SIMPLIFY!)
Welcome to the grab bag
Use the search bar or scroll down to read my unpacking of current politics, cyclical living, and #liesthepatriarchytoldme.
…on silence
When I lived alone, I would fill it with the TV – it was always on in the background. Music wouldn’t work – either it was something I didn’t like, or if I did like it, it was all-consuming. Maybe fine if you’re washing the dishes, but it’s hard to pay bills or finish a newsletter when you can’t stop belting along with Brittany that you have to work, bitch. Or crying as John reminds you that your body is a wonderland.
On icebergs…
When I’m stuck in my head, when I’ve been lacking in connection (and unable to reach out, because isn’t that a fun quandary of mental health struggles – I want to connect but I can’t initiate nor can I respond to someone else initiating. Neat.) it’s easy for me to feel like clearly everyone hides their true selves from me because I’m a stupid dumb dumb and I don’t deserve friends. The logical part of my brain knows that’s BS, but it’s not the logical part of my brain driving in those moments. The logical part of me knows that there are cards that I keep close to my chest because not everyone needs to know everything about me all the time, and also because there are conversations that I just do not have the energy for. Again, some of this is simply a filter that I just didn’t possess when I was younger. I choose not to bring up particular topics with those who I know don’t see things that same as I do on specific issues (instead of running headfirst at full speed into conflict).
…on hiraeth
This is more of a loneliness in my soul. An aching for something I can’t name, a longing for something I’m missing that I’ve never had. I learned an old welsh word this week – hiraeth – that loosely translates into “a nostalgic longing for a place you’ve never been or something you’ve never had” which I think most closely matches up with my feeling.
On my to-do list…
So, our joy matters. And sometimes that joy looks like tuning in to my body and checking in what she can actually do today. Not yesterday, or tomorrow, or 20 years ago, or an imagined body that I’ve never had (that one is one of my favourites to pretend matters. “What would the perfect imaginary version of myself be able to do in perfect land?” I ask myself, and then beat myself up for failing from that. Because that’s reasonable.). But today, what am I actually capable of? Very often it doesn’t connect with my to-do list. Because my to-do list is never, ever done. There is always something new I’m forgetting, something fresh that needs my attention, or at the vey least a giant pile of old things that I “keep meaning to get to”.
…on music and joy
I fell off the “summer CD” bandwagon when I stopped burning CDs. (Our house hasn’t had a CD player in it in probably 10 years, which is another weird thing about getting old but anyway). And even though I’ve been making playlists for years it just didn’t occur to me to start doing it again, until summer 2019. And what a glorious summer it was, to again have a soundtrack, to have songs that connect with specific memories! It made me realize how easy it is to let go of things that bring us joy, unintentionally. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide not to make a soundtrack of my summer anymore. I just…. Forgot.