…on distraction
A much brighter day on the field than the on writing of this post. Notice the gorgeous light rainbows #positivevibes #literally
Sitting at the side of the soccer field, absolutely freezing my buns off. I can already tell I’m the kind of cold that I’m not going to be able to shake with anything except a hot bath. I glance at the time. Still 20 minutes until we can leave, and then it’s the evening exhaustion run: finish-dinner-do-dishes-tidy-house-plan-tomorrow... my brain is jumping from undone item to undone item - cleaner is coming tomorrow I’d better remember to tidy, oh no I didn’t follow up on that note from corporate, shoot the laundry isn’t done yet either... the wheel spins, and a deep sigh escapes my mouth as I realize the earliest possible bath is at least 3.5 hours away. I am exhausted and I haven’t even gotten to the most tiring part of the day.
I look up and wince in pain as I realize that I’ve been sitting on this cold rock, hunched over my phone, for so long that my neck has gone out again. One more thing that a nice bath would at least help. Oh god did I let out another heavy sigh? I need to focus on the positive.
My fingers are still moving across the screen of my phone, finally answering the emails and messages that have been piling up all day, but I can feel that my fingers are almost cold enough that the phone will stop registering them as human.
It starts to rain.
Of course it does.
I check my messages again - there are a few I can leave to answer tomorrow but twice as many that I need still to send that I won’t have time for. I mentally remind myself to shift them to my tomorrow to-do list, and then remember that I can’t work tomorrow because it’s Thursday. Thursdays I rarely get any work done. Thursdays I spend with my dad. I love that our relationship has gotten closer over the last year because we are spending so much more time together. I hate that every time I see him I have to blink back tears and send a prayer to the universe that this time won’t be the last.
Shit.
I check my schedule for Friday - it’s still pretty open but which communication can go that long without happening? Which am I already too far behind on? Who can I afford to piss off the least?
I hate that I have to plan my to-do list based on who will forgive me the most for being late.
I check the time again. It’s still 10 minutes sitting on this cold rock - I’m suddenly flooded with guilt as I realize that all the other moms are at least half watching their kids. I haven’t looked up once. Am I terrible that I find a 7 year old’s soccer practice boring? I mean I love my kid! But I’ve planned my life around being available for her before and after school. I don’t feel like I’m really ‘missing out’ on anything that I’m not watching this. I am a bad mom. I must be. I should watch. Is she even still out there? Is it wrong that I hope she doesn’t get too into this so I don’t have to do this every Saturday for the foreseeable future? Ugh, I’m a bad mom for sure.
Oh super. 5 minutes left and my phone officially no longer recognizes me as human. I put it down and notice the mom beside me is giving me side eye. Damnit, she caught me not watching.
Oh no.
It’s worse.
She’s looking at my very unshaven legs. Why did I wear these cropped pants today? Now I’m not just the bad mom but the bad mom with hairy legs. Damn the patriarchy! Also - why am I not wearing full length pants, IT IS SO DAMN COLD OUT HERE!!
5 minutes. I check my phone too much. I am not beholden to it! I am a strong independent woman! I don’t need to be connected 24/7! My mental health demands a break!
I wonder if Dan has sent me any more funny memes.
I try but somehow have forgotten that my phone won’t work with these cold robot fingers. Why can I check for memes but not send that message that’s overdue?
I miss my friends. I miss going out for dinner at a restaurant. I miss going for a drink with my husband. I miss airplanes and going places. Heck I even miss airports. Who knew THAT would be a thing? I miss how incredibly dry my lips get on flights and how absolutely disgusting airplane bathrooms are, even when they’re clean. I wonder if we’ll be able to travel by September. How much grade 2 can my kid miss and still have friends? Can we spend a month in Europe next year? We should be saving, we should have saved over this last year without travel. And yet somehow I’ve managed to spend all the money… I really should budget better.
I strain my eyes out at the field. All the other girls are standing with one foot on the ball, listening intently for their next direction. Not my daughter though. My daughter is sitting down (why doesn’t she have a ball? did she lose it? did they just not give her one? did she leave it somewhere?) playing with the teeny tiny AstroTurf bits.
Of course she is.
