On ritual and tradition…

The photo isn’t perfect quality but neither is life <3

I’ve had a vague sense over the last few years that I’ve really missed the ritual and seasonal routine after leaving organized religion - that the bookend traditions of advent, Christmas, Easter, of regular communion - that I’ve been missing something important. I’m a very spiritual person - maybe more than ever - and need to be connected to that.

Have you ever had that vague sense that there’s something missing, you’ve forgotten something, but it’s just not quite there? Like when you go away on a trip (remember those?) and feel like you’re forgetting to do something (ps we just watched Home Alone last weekend so it’s a particularly relevant metaphor right now, although I’ve yet to forget my kid #neversaynever) but you’re not certain what it is? I’ve had that sense for years, but without a container to put it back into (ie the church) it’s been hard to find again.

And I’ve done and created a number of rituals for myself over the last few years as I’ve been exploring what spirituality means to me - those have been awesome, and to be honest a lot of work. Trying something a few times, seeing if it’s the right fit, modifying, adjusting, leaving parts and taking others - modern spirituality sometimes feels a bit like assembling a puzzle without looking at the picture. And all of this is good, but nothing that has yet felt right to include my (still fairly young) child or (eternally pragmatic and eye-rolling) husband in too.

BUT IT FELT INCOMPLETE TO NOT INCLUDE MY FAMILY - THOSE RITUALS IN THE CHURCH ALWAYS INCLUDED MY FAMILY, AND IT JUST FELT RIGHT

And so the more I dug around, looking at old tradition and ritual around the solstice this year, the more this felt like the perfect “not too heavy” and “not too complicated” and even “not too spiritual” spiritual experience to submerge everyone in. And yes, our family has traditions, but I want to highlight the difference between ritual and tradition - at least for me, right now. Here, where I talk ritual I’m referring to actions performed for their symbolic value (we aren’t actually brining significantly more light into the world with our 12 tiny tea lights), rather than a tradition which is the broader sense of our culture (or in this case our family’s micro-culture)

Winter solstice is the shortest day of the year - the darkest day in the Northern Hemisphere.

What I wanted this new ritual to acknowledge was the importance of darkness, and to also give us an opportunity to remember that we are the light too. Yesterday, December 21 - winter solstice, the shortest and darkest day of our year - I created the space for Kali and I to spend the day working on solstice projects (baking a cake yule log, foraging in the forest for a decorating a wooden yule log, making candles, reading in blankets with tea - that last one is just my perfect day - the beauty of creating your own rituals is that you get to do anything you want. It’s pretty rad!), and then at night, after dinner we did a small and significant activity as a family.

Side note of real talk - all of these things have been modified to fit life with a 6yo. Battery powered candles instead of open flames. Five candles each instead of 12. Two songs (I could have had twenty, lol). I’m working with what I have <3

I initially planned this to be done on a walk outside, but it was torrentially down pouring (and after our hour in the forest foraging earlier, that ended with Kali almost in tears and concerned about frostbite lol, it just didn’t feel necessary). We started with a pile of candles each, and for each candle we lit we shared how we intend to “bring the light” this next year. It was absolutely beautiful. I came out with a few things that I didn’t expect - speak my voice, even when I’m scared - and I was blown away with what everyone else came up with (“I’m going to be a more active coach for my team at the office” “I’m going to talk to my teacher about our whole class going outside to pick up litter at my school”). And we ended in song. One of the things I miss most after no longer practicing organized religion is singing with others - we don’t have many chances to sing together in modern times. Like other things this year, I didn’t realize I was missing it until I found it again.

One of the things I miss most after leaving organized religion is singing with others - we don’t have many chances to in modern times.

So we sang! We sang India.Aire “I Am Light” and Sam Smith “Lighthouse Keeper” (and even an impromptu “One Voice” by the Wailing Jenny’s which seemed last night to be written perfectly for our three person family <3). We spent the rest of the evening in the glow of (electric) candles and Christmas lights, cuddling and reading (yep - reading books with tea again #heaven), and I slept better last night than I have in a long time.

This year has been hard. For me, actually incredibly hard in a lot of ways, even outside of * gestures vaguely * all this... Family, mental health, I could go on but yesterday, in the glow of a new ritual, I could find joy.

Ritual - the deep remembrance, and a way to integrate my family? These are some of the unexpected gifts of 2020.