…on loneliness and longing

This is the day I learned to ride a bike. I don’t talk about it below, in this post, but I’ve left it as an image here to remind you that this piece is as much symbolism as it is “accurate”.

Today’s post is a prompt from a writing course I took earlier this year - a word, sentence, or phrase to sum up each year of your life. Because you cannot write an entire year of your life in one tidy package, and often I wasn’t able to pick out the “most important” thing that happened that year (PLUS, I can’t even remember the first few years of my life) this piece is not about accuracy. This is about the representative, metaphorical nature of writing, trusting the process, and allowing writing to flow into something to hold a shape, a meaning. Ultimately, this piece helps me to accept, and possibly even see the beauty in, imperfection.

I wrote a number of versions of this with various slants but this is the one I keep coming back to. It’s raw and real and it’s as much who I am and who I was as the version where I paint myself as the friendly, outgoing, happy human I also am. We are complex and multifaceted and that doesn’t mean we’re broken.

Enjoy. (Or don’t.) <3

1.     My mom, perfect Farrah Faucet hair and radiant even after labouring for 24 hours, my dad in a PPE hat that looks more like the paper crown you get in Christmas crackers than hospital issue gear.

2.     Yellow lunch box.

3.     Wooden truck on unfinished cement floor, am I alone?

4.     Golden heart necklace and my first kiss.

5.     The entire school walks past me, nose to the wall but transgressions on full display, lava tears streaming down my face – the shame burns white hot – whispers, jeers, laughter.

6.     Perm and acid washed jeans, would I ever be this sure of myself again in my life?

7.     Glasses, shame.

8.     If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel.

9.     Oh god but did she hate me – every report card a permanent reminder of how hard I was to contain, every day a reminder that being too much – that being who I was – was dangerous.

10.  Not for any particular reason, shame.

11.  Red flow, panic rising – am I dying, oh god it’s worse, pads the size of mattresses.

12.  Carving soapstone crosses and calling to Jesus with my whole heart – if I have Jesus, then I’ll never really be alone – right?

13.  Hey pretty brown eyes.

14.  He kisses me by my locker on a Friday afternoon – he sticks his tongue in my mouth and no one has ever done that before; I can’t unknow that feeling and I want more.

15.  New school and maybe finally I’ve beaten the shame, maybe finally I don’t have to be alone… here, is it safe to be myself?

16.  I am so alone.

17.  I am so alone.

18.  What does it do to the rest of your life when you peak at 18 with a perfect score on a standardized test?

19.  His cock was fucking massive, the pleasure was so intense, I deeply regret not doing this sooner.

20.  “Oh my god, James wants to date Annika?? But has he like, even looked at her?” All of them laugh.

21.  We built a house of our own, a world of our own, the curtains exploded into butterflies, do you know what it’s like to feel finally alive?

22.  Too many drinks and then passionate kissing in the elevator – did I blackout, oh shit my boyfriend is calling to ask why I didn’t come home, oh my god I fucked my boss.

23.  Secret sex.

24.  Secret sex.

25.  Secret sex.

26.  Lying on the floor in my kitchen, I’ve been swallowed completely by darkness in my soul and no drugs are enough to make me feel numb; will I ever be whole again?

27.  And then finally – he’s it, and I know it because he’s exactly who I envisioned all along, only instead of a DJ he’s an accountant – thank you universe for knowing what I needed more than I did.

28.  Lying in the sun, the mushrooms make me laugh, and laugh, and laugh – will it ever get better than right now?

29.  All these reckless nights you won’t regret.

30.  Remember that time we threw the best goddamn party ever and then consummated our marriage and went straight to the afterparty?

31.  My love for her was so instant, so complete, the second she was out of my body I ran with wild abandon to hold her in my arms and let myself get obliterated, get lost.

32.  Lost.

33.  Lost.

34.  Maybe this time, this job is finally the culmination of all the pieces of things I’ve done that have never seemed to fit together; will I finally be whole?

35.  I knew this was the ticket, the way my red dress lit up the stage, tens of thousands of people cheering for me – pinch me.

36.  How am I so alone again?

37.  Walking into his house, blood, shit, piss, garbage everywhere – his eyes are wild and I am afraid for him.

38.  My voice is still in there, somewhere.